In time my ex will describe me in many unflattering ways, but I can agree with one of his descriptions: I am naive. His family do not know me from a bar of soap, they however have already passed judgment on me. Of course this is normal, and how could I expect otherwise?
They were most offended because of the contents of a few posts I wrote in anguish, and have since edited for relevancy. It was really stupid of me to expect that they would understand my plight, but since the posts are out I have set a process in motion that is out of my control. Maybe I am too direct for my own good, but I really did not intend to hurt anyone. This space holds my expressions of grief, anger, resentment but also my love, and I want to keep it this way. I am tired of hiding and keeping separate blogs with other pseudonyms. This is who I am; I cannot stop anyone from hating me for it. I am also not interested in being loved under false pretense, so I will take the consequences.
I don’t know how to retaliate against ugliness and bitterness, and do not want to start wars. If what I write offends people so much then they should speak up, and I will edit out the offending bits. If anyone wants I can even take out my ex-husband’s photos, his name and everything else. I don’t really care about keeping them anyway. It is one of many subtle ways the past can be slowly diluted until it fades away altogether.
At the moment I have an urge to run away and hide. Take my son and my baggage (including this blog) and disappear from sight. Even my father’s suggestion that I should go back to my birth country doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. It is one place I know that my son and I will be welcomed and embraced, even though I have been less than loyal towards my country of origin. Yes, if I needed a pat on the back, and people to tell me that my ex was a bastard anyway, I know where to go. But things are not that simple, it is not black and white. Nobody will ever know what it was like on the inside of this relationship, and nobody will be able to pass judgment based on half the truth. In fact, I can cynically say that the truth is irrevocably lost forever once two people decide that the marriage is finished. Because we all start to make up our own stories and justifications, with some bearing more truth than others. If we are lucky then we will know before our journey on this planet ends where we made the wrong turn. If we are not, we will have to pay back in another lifetime.
The Loskop Diaries 