My ex is tightening the screws on me in order to inflict even more pain. I am past feeling any more hurt from him, but I am getting extremely angry with his low-life revenge tactics. It has been a week since our divorce, and according to our consent papers he is supposed to pay me a lump sum within seven days from the date of divorce. The lump sum is actually my money which I paid over to him last August, and for sure he is sticking to the letter of the law and paying it over, but at the eleventh hour.. seven days almost to the second from the date of our divorce. So today I get this great message informing me that so and so has paid into my account my maintenance and the lump sum. I am now waiting until this windfall reflects on my actual finances.
In the meantime I have all these bills to pay: My rent, the balance of the lawyer’s bill, and many other obligations. Yes, he is doing this on purpose, otherwise why would he pay his portion of the lawyer’s bill immediately and leave me and his son to suffer for the extra week? Yes, he cares, very much.

In my official blog posts I only write a diluted version of the events, and Mr. Fakeman takes pleasure in sending me the poisonous reaction of his family to what I write. Only one family member showed a little bit of understanding to the hurt that I am feeling.
I sent my ex-in-laws a link to some photos I took of my son since I moved out and I copied him on the mail, asking everyone to respect that my baby blog has turned a little personal because of what is happening. My naivety unleashed an avalanche of emails from my ex. He who has mastered the art of ignoring me, whom I have to ask at least twice if I needed him to look after our son, at the times when the nanny isn’t available; started to send me an email every day forwarding me vile comments from his family. They do not know me, they can never judge. And I dare say that they only think they know him.

Last Sunday he sent his family pictures of my son, to mark his nine months birthday. His mother said that mine weren’t half as good. Of course they weren’t. Mine are just snapshots that happened spontaneously. The few shots I was in show me, as an unkempt, tired, and wild eyed woman – not surprising considering my circumstances and the fact that I was holding baby and camera as well. His pictures, in contrast, are carefully staged to look good. His friend/girlfriend must have taken them, so he was able to relax and concentrate on the way the look of “love” should be reflected through the blind camera lens. Yes, the camera doesn’t lie, only he does. I haven’t seen the picture but they were described to me, and since I misread his photos before, I now believe that people transfer their own emotions to the images. Our perception of facial expression are not always accurate, that’s for sure.
Yes, let the whole world know that I am resentful. I am writing this down in order to remember how unfair and fake this man was -and still is- towards me. Because I am the type of person who quickly forgets the injustices they suffer at the hands of others. This time I won’t forget.

On the few occasions he showed up to pick our son, I couldn’t help but notice his fresh appearance, the new haircut and the new shirts. In the meantime I stand before him in my cereal stained clothes, my hair that badly needs styling and new highlights, and my general appearance of fatigue and dejection. For sure he does have enough money for polishing his image, and he has enough money to go on excursions north of the city with his “interesting friends” but he cannot spare the money to pay me and his son our dues in time. I cannot and will not forgive him ever, and god help him if one day I gained the upper hand.

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Taking the Consequences

In time my ex will describe me in many unflattering ways, but I can agree with one of his descriptions: I am naive.  His family do not know me from a bar of soap, they however have already passed judgment on me. Of course this is normal, and how could I expect otherwise?
They were most offended because of the contents of a few posts I wrote in anguish, and have since edited for relevancy. It was really stupid of me to expect that they would understand my plight, but since the posts are out I have set a process in motion that is out of my control. Maybe I am too direct for my own good, but I really did not intend to hurt anyone. This space holds my expressions of grief, anger, resentment but also my love, and I want to keep it this way. I am tired of hiding and keeping separate blogs with other pseudonyms. This is who I am; I cannot stop anyone from hating me for it. I am also not interested in being loved under false pretense, so I will take the consequences.
I don’t know how to retaliate against ugliness and bitterness, and do not want to start wars. If what I write offends people so much then they should speak up, and I will edit out the offending bits. If anyone wants I can even take out my ex-husband’s photos, his name and everything else. I don’t really care about keeping them anyway. It is one of many subtle ways the past can be slowly diluted until it fades away altogether.

At the moment I have an urge to run away and hide. Take my son and my baggage (including this blog) and disappear from sight. Even my father’s suggestion that I should go back to my birth country doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. It is one place I know that my son and I will be welcomed and embraced, even though I have been less than loyal towards my country of origin. Yes, if I needed a pat on the back, and people to tell me that my ex was a bastard anyway, I know where to go. But things are not that simple, it is not black and white. Nobody will ever know what it was like on the inside of this relationship, and nobody will be able to pass judgment based on half the truth. In fact, I can cynically say that the truth is irrevocably lost forever once two people decide that the marriage is finished. Because we all start to make up our own stories and justifications, with some bearing more truth than others. If we are lucky then we will know before our journey on this planet ends where we made the wrong turn. If we are not, we will have to pay back in another lifetime.

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