Some of Me

Some of me is here,
the rest of me stayed behind,
it lingered with you.


Now some of me pines,
longs for what is most of me,
come see me one day.


Adapted from Mahmoud Darwish:

فبعصي لدي، وبعضي لديك

وبعضي مشتاق لبعضي

فهلا أتيت؟

محمود درويش
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He Who Walks in Love

Who seeks for heaven alone to save his soul,

May keep the path, but will not reach the goal;

While he who walk in love may wander far,

Yet God will bring him where the blessed are.


Henry Van Dyke
From: The Story of the Other Wise Man.
The Gift of the Magi and Other Christmas Stories – O. Henry
Read more: https://www.scribd.com/book/263910109
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My Displaced Soul

Fragments of my heart are still floating around. On the internet cloud somewhere, a love letter that he rejected, or refused to read. Half-finished posts, about tender moments, half-lived. I can almost believe now, they were imagined. slivers of paper, or napkins, with childish poems, immature haikus, bittersweet in their honesty and fragility.

I don’t write them anymore, though I haven’t forgotten the taste of pain. I can still feel it, when it rains, when I hear a certain phrase, or see the sour face of Theresa May, who reminds me of the foolish Brits. When I get trouble from my awfully unreliable British car, that I share half the time with the mechanic, as my almost lover put it in his words. The memory arrives, unexpected and unwelcome, it fractures my days, then departs. I know that it will do its damage again, some other time.

And I still haven’t found an answer to the biggest question. What is it that makes us love, so utterly and desperately? How does the feeling survive his near complete absence from my life ? And why do I still miss him, when lately I was only punished for caring? Why did I so easily trade hurt pride for resignation, and anger for forgiveness and compassion?

True love has chosen me, robbed me of pride and anger, and displaced my soul.  Today I  feel like a stranger in all the places that welcomed me in the past. Perhaps it is my cue to move on. I came here for love, and perhaps I will leave out of love too.

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His Poisonous Arrow

A lazy and careless remark that he threw at me has found its mark. Like a poisonous arrow with delayed effect it hurt me deeply.

When he belittled what I felt from him and invited me to fall in love with “Jimmy the Postman” he did not only degrade himself but insulted me as well. As if I were so delusional and indiscriminate in my affection, that instead of loving him I could have loved any other John Doe. Not even having a taste for certain types of food can be put down in such ludicrously dismissive manner.

There were also touches of hypocrisy. While he sat there sharpening his poisonous daggers, throwing them silently and carelessly at me, he had the gall to contradict me when I stated that I would rather my son grow up a bit less sensitive to pain, than like me, the one who wears her heart on her sleeve, and who carries the hurt and pain of every person she loves. He begged to differ he said “do you mean it is better to hurt others than get hurt?”, and here he was hurting me, but it would have only mattered if he cared, and he was on  a mission to prove that he did not.

In a business communication course I attended some time ago, the facilitator chose to break the ice by elaborating on the South African greeting I am familiar with. The Zulu greeting is : Sawubona, and it means, “We see you”. The Bantu language in its simple wisdom recognised that acknowledgement and recognition are the first path to friendly communication. And so it is in all human relations.

The cruelest thing your loved one can do to you is not the rejection, but denying you the recognition and acknowledgment of your feelings. Sometimes all you need from the person you love is an acknowledgment. Yes, I see you, I know how you feel. I am sorry. The ultimate cruelty is not rejecting the love that was given, it is denying its existence, calling it an illusion, a passing fancy or a transitory moment of lust, when it is none of the above. The man I love is doubly cruel, because he led me there, fired those first sparks that burned the house down, then walked away pretending that it was an accident.

It is human to flirt with danger, and to covet the forbidden. We all make mistakes, and sometimes the actions we take or the things we say set off a chain reaction of unintended and regrettable consequences. I prefer to own up to my mistakes and take the consequences, other people choose to run. It is not a matter of courage or cowardice, it is a matter of maturity and taking responsibility for your action, as an adult.

Courage or cowardice should actually be neutral characteristics. Their context determines their value as virtues or vices. Some courageous acts can be foolishly irresponsible, and some cowardly acts are simply retreats in deference to other people.

So on that day in August when I met him, I grabbed hold of my tattered heart, and faced up to the man I loved. I did not wear my heart on my sleeve, I presented it to him, open, forgiving and asking for nothing. That letter I wrote and deposited in the cloud was a final offering and surrender. But even in my fragile state I proved stronger and more grounded than he is. I could feel his unease with my open adoration, and his discomfort at the prospect of reading my letter. He claimed that he might read it if he could find the attachment.

When I walked away that day I knew that he had broken something deep inside me. But I did not know then the depth and the extent of the damage. And I am only beginning to fathom them now.

I have received the ultimate rejection from the man I love. He either did not appreciate how deeply I cared, or he understood my feelings and was afraid to acknowledge them, along with his responsibility for their existence. In the interest of my sanity I decided not to ponder anymore whether his cruelty was out of ignorance or cowardly self preservation, or both. It is the same difference to this wounded heart.

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That Friday..

A split second glimpse
shatters my outward resolve
My soul is still yours !

I see it is you,
less with my senses but more
in my every cell

My heartache revives,
for a brief chance encounter
a lifetime of loss.

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Don’t Tell Me…

Don’t tell me how I should love, and how I shouldn’t.
Don’t seek my love then reject its frank expression.
Don’t tell me I should love the postman instead.
My heart will never be yours to command, when it never even listens to my honest pleas.
Love is a master like no other, defies the free will of mortals.
Love falls, like death, like fate..
And wherever it casts its shadow, no blade of grass will grow.
I am just a watcher in the semi-dark, waiting out this endless eclipse.

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Love’s Tragic Life

Over its lifetime, love is always loud and wild. It knows no moderation, and burns bright, hot or icy cold. At its best it is the sunshine in the heart, but its fire keeps burning, even in the heat of heartbroken tears, jilted anger, and sighs of longing. At its worst, it can burn again like ice, in fits of jealousy and belated contempt.

But when it finally dies, it does so quietly and silently, without the faintest whimper.

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To Love is…

Love wouldn’t be true if it was given in exchange or expectation of anything in return. To love is to give of yourself freely and generously, not expecting even to be loved in return.

 

 

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For Your Eyes

For your eyes what my heart suffered and what it will,

And for love what is left of me and what is gone.

I have never been one to let love into my heart,

But whoever gazes into your eyes can’t help the fall.

 


Adapted from a poem by the Arabic  poet Al-Mutanabbi:

لعينيك ما يلقى الفؤاد وما لقي

وللحب ما لم يبق منى وما بقي

وما كنت ممن يدخل الحب قلبه

.ولكن من يبصر جفونك يعشق

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Hope Dies Last

I did not make the 100 days mark. Today it has been 98 days since I last saw my beloved Englishman, and I had to see him again when he texted me to have coffee.

Over the past few months, and especially during my holiday, the pain of missing him gutted me. When I surrendered to my longing and texted him he sounded off, unhappy, worried, or even apathetic. In our acquaintance, it had always bothered me that so many things were left unsaid, and although I am sure he knows how I feel about him, he never really heard the full story. So I wrote a simple love letter that I sent as an attachment through a messenger application. Whether he reads or not, it is his choice.

The last time I saw him, we met at an LGBT event where I gave him a rainbow flag. This love letter is my proverbial white flag. I am done with hiding from him, deleting his contact and blocking him on social media. I am also done with meeting him frequently over coffee as normal friends do. In my letter, I just made the simple plea that he write to me or text me every once in a while, to let me know how he is doing. I promised to see him a few times every year, if he wanted, because I feared that my heart could not handle more of these public meetings.

We exchanged some texts after I wrote the letter. He knows that I sent it, but I now doubt that he will read it.  When I arrived back, I told him that I had a little package of chocolates for him. He texted me today to ask if I would have coffee, and I acquiesced because the pain of missing him and worrying about him was greater than the risk of unsettling my heart again after meeting him. My heart was already unsettled over his strange and melancholic texts.

So we met today, and we talked. I did not pass out, I did not cry, and I did throw my arms around him. I deserve credit for at least that. I lost control over my train of thought and speech a few times, but I managed to demonstrate my capability for restraint. He talked about his expensive hobbies (good ! I disliked his acquired snobbery), and his family travels and activities with his wife and daughter (also good, keeps it real). We lightly touched on emotional issues, which were apparently all mine. Perhaps I will finally believe this?

I have done my part. I loved this man for the past year, and I loved him well. I cared enough to let go. I still love him, and will miss him for some time in the future. This time, I am not promising to cut all ties with him, I will leave the lightest of connection between us, just in case the longing grips me again by the throat.

There is a Spanish proverb that goes: Lo ultimo que muere es la esperanza – Hope Dies Last. A tiny flicker of that treacherous sentiment still resides deep in my heart. My beloved found me once when I did not want to be found. And although this event unleashed deluges of tears and many days and nights of emotional torture, I am grateful he did, because ultimately he helped me find my true self, my heart and my capacity for love. Perhaps one day he or someone like him will find me again, if by then I still did not mind being found.

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