Things progressed rather quickly. My lawyer phoned today to say that he already has the final decree of divorce at his office. This is rather impressive, because usually the paperwork takes at least a week to catch up. The decree with all its finality comes with a whole batch of new bills. The lawyers need to paid and there will be more expenses for the transfer of the joint properties.
Ron has been difficult lately. While we were married he always complained about the quality of our communication. Now we simply don’t talk anymore. Maybe it is better this way, because on the few occasions I raised a pertinent issue with him, we ended up fighting.
It will take time for me to get over the divorce, because if it was up to me I would have stayed. I conditioned myself to live with the many rough and sharp edges of Ron’s character. Women (and few men as well) sometimes learn to live with and love even their abusive partners. I was truly committed to Ron especially after Robert was born. Things however did not work for him and it was his choice that we should leave. I did not see a point in keeping a marriage in name only. The honest one told me yesterday that perhaps Ron has done me -and Robert- a favor by refusing to stay with us.
Yes, I have lived and loved the man with all his faults. Now I have to move on. In the meantime I need to process the experience and learn from it. I need to know where I went wrong, and whether there was anything I could have done that would have made it a happy marriage. Whether the failure was mine, Ron’s or ours in equal shares; time and the path each of us will take from here will eventually tell.
At this juncture in my life I find that I am not want for choices. There are many options that I can make, but I have to be extremely careful how they will affect Robert. His future is my priority and I have to be absolutely sure that I am making the correct decision on his behalf. I am no longer sure whether South Africa is the correct place to raise him, and I am considering emigration AGAIN ! I love South Africa, and especially Cape Town. I feel it is truly my home, but I have to think that I am approaching 40, and if I was to emigrate then the time is NOW. Living in Africa taught me to love wilderness and wide spaces, therefore I am not keen on moving to Europe. On the other hand I am not crazy about the long Canadian winters, or the dry heat of Australian summers. So where to next? New Zealand? Namibia? or some of the warmer places in Canada? I am still trying to figure this one out.
I am also pondering the direction this blog will take after my divorce. I do not want to turn it into a mud-slinging contest against my ex. Yes, I do have feelings of resentment against him, and most of the time I do not think much of him at all. However, I will try to avoid getting into too much detail. People who are in the know do not need to be reminded again and again about the gory details, and those who aren’t are better off not knowing. If I ever need to dump my misery and resentment I will write elsewhere, in a private anonymous space. I will try to keep this place clean.
The Loskop Diaries 