Leap Year Day : On the Inside

I have to post today because it is leap year day. In my culture Leap Years are believed to be fraught with difficulties and tragedies. I am having a lot of difficulties at this time, but I am grateful there are no tragedies.

My silent partner is still very much the same. He neither communicates with me nor with his son. I told him yesterday that he treats the baby as if he was his stepson, and I know many fathers who will be more involved with a stepson or even an adopted son. It is rather sad.

Yes, I know he loves his son as much as he is capable of loving anyone, but he is resentful. Somehow the baby will be preventing him from realising this nebulous dream, a dream that has not materialized over half a century of life. I thought that a child would give him purpose, hope and a reason to wake up every morning. Obviously he needs more.

I am silent as well, but I am suffering. My days pass caring for the little one, and I spend my nights staring through the tube of my computer screen. It provides my only window to the world. I read articles on the internet and I type my random thoughts. Maybe the silent treatment will turn me into a writer yet.

Last nights, I turned in as usual in the small hours of the morning, and I was plagued with disturbed dreams: The horror of my teeth falling, every one of them. In my culture this is an ominous dream, it means the loss of a close person. People who interpret it thus usually mitigate the impact of their prophecy, by asking whether there was any pain in the dream. If there was no pain in the dream then it is just a distant relative, they would say. In my experience dreams are largely painless, perhaps I do not have an imagination vivid enough to conjure pain; horror, yes, but not pain. In my dream last night there was only the dread and horror of realising that I am about to spit out one of my molars. I think I even had the faint taste of blood.

The rest of my dreams were about my husband. There, I had the distinct impression that he was seeing another woman, perhaps even having an affair. My pride was the only part of me that hurt in the dream. I don’t know whether I fought with him or not. Two days ago I caught the whiff of another woman in our car. It stuck to the seatbelt on the passenger side. He was out with friends on Sunday, and now I know that at least one of them was a woman. Honestly, I do not think he has the emotional clout to get out and have an affair. He doesn’t need emotional dependency, and he wouldn’t want to deal with the consequences. Still, I can’t help but wonder.

I hope my tooth dream is just my mind’s speculation on losing my husband. I can deal with that.

Leap Year Day : On the Outside

Today is officially the last day of my leave. After the weekend I will be back at work. Robert and I went to the park, and I tried to get the sights and sounds and warmth of leap year day; a day we get to enjoy only once every four years.

It turned out to be special. The sun was warm, and the sky speckled with a perfect flowing pattern of tiny white clouds. Soon after we arrived, the park started filling up with visitors. Nannies, children, moms and dads converged on two different birthday parties. The children, of course, enjoyed the day best, but the nannies came in a close second. They provided the entertainment, singing African songs in their harmonious velvety voices, and swaying their ample bodies to the music. It was the perfect accompaniment to this lazy autumn afternoon.

Robert was taken with the festivities, and ended up with a full dose of visual and auditory stimulation, and it did not stop at the singing nannies and the running toddlers. There was the busy Friday afternoon traffic around the park, and the construction work nearby. We even listened to the rotors of helicopters and a saw a formation of fighter jets whistling overhead. I don’t know about Robert but I had a great time, autumn is here, and it is my favourite season.