A Confession

Falling for Aquarius II is one of the best and worst things that happened to me this lifetime. It is the worst because it will take me a while to get over him, and other men will cease to exist for some time, who knows how long. It is the best because it was a surprise, a reaffirmation of feelings I thought I was no longer capable of carrying in my heart. I have known infatuation and perhaps even lust, but I have stopped believing in love decades ago. So I was quite taken by surprise by this blind and beautiful emotion. And although it is scary to fall like a ton of bricks for the man, it is also exciting. I feel young, light and desirable again, after I got used to considering myself middle-aged.

I have tried to deconstruct this, demystify it, and call it by other names. I am still too shy and too damaged to call it love. But it comes with all its properties. I am losing sleep, I forget to eat, and I worry endlessly about him. I miss him the moment we part and get butterflies in my stomach when we finally meet again. I can sit for hours in silence just lost in the depth of his eyes. I recognize how adolescent and immature this sounds, but I am past trying to explain or reason it by hormones or insanity. I now sit back and get high on this rediscovered drug. I think I never had enough of it in the past 30 years.

I still cry sometimes. The tears were in fact one of the earliest gifts of this strange connection. I was keenly aware of the built-in loss, and unable to comprehend why I should rediscover love here, where there is no hope. Wasn’t I better off in my blissful ignorance, frozen in my voluntary isolation? I was happy, I kept telling myself.

Help comes somehow when you reach out. A friend who offers wisdom and a kind word, who tells you are not going insane or weird, merely crazy about the one you love. Take it as a gift, she told me, don’t shut him out of your heart, or lose him because of your need to protect yourself. Her advice gave me comfort. Now I meditate, read, breathe and learn to live with the twin joys and sorrows of my devotion.  It is not for me to question anymore. I carry on, and take the gift.

I met Aquarius II two days after my birthday.  I would like to believe that God has perhaps given me what I needed, rather than what I wanted. Perhaps I just needed to see and know one decent human being, who does not lie to me, as other men did, who does not take advantage of my vulnerability and weakness, as other men did, and who loves me to the extent he can, without compromising principles or breaking trust. It has to be enough for me.  I would rather carry on having coffee with him than relive any of my previous relationships.

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