As if you belonged in all the places you’ve never been
Like feeling the pain of a phantom limb that isn’t mine
Like finding a vital piece of my soul in the eyes of another
After spending a lifetime
With half a soul.
There is apparently a reason why it is called “falling” in love. It unsettles and topples the balance of your life. The ground shifts under your feet and you lose your footing, falling is not meant to be a pleasant sensation. I am experiencing all this and more.
Of course there is always the inconvenient and persistent longing for Aquarius II, which hits at odd times during the day. For example the minute he leaves me with an offhand comment about an imagined intimacy, or when I wake up in the early hours of the morning to the cooling morning breeze, and an inexplicable feeling of missing him, and wanting to wrap myself around him to get some warmth for my limbs, my heart and my soul. My usual methods of dealing with this sudden onset of physical desire do not work. The body might become tired, or sated but the soul remains hungry and unfulfilled.
Another side effect that I have noticed is my flaring temper and my propensity to pick up fights and argument. Where I am usually passive and reluctant to stand up for myself or others, I am now quick to argue and with more passion than is usual for me. My middle eastern heritage is to blame for some of my reactions, I do tend to angry outbursts sometimes, but I think the added testosterone in my system is also a partial culprit for my extreme reactions.
Hormonal changes are nature’s way of ensuring best conditions for pro-creation. Females become more aggressive, and sexually aggressive in particular , while males experience lower levels of testosterone making them less aggressive and more in touch with their feminine sides, and thus closer to their mates. It looks like we human animals are short-wired for these responses, regardless of age.
A lot has also been written about the pleasant side of falling. The rush, and the thrill of it. It is very similar to the effect of drugs, without the fatal side effects. These are also the side effects of the hormone cocktail love exposes us to. My reaction to those was so violent, I suspected that I was going crazy, I still suspect that sometimes. There are also the bursts of creativity, energy and emotion. So in all it is not a bad ride, the inconvenient side effects seem like a small price to pay.