When I wrote the post about how cynical I was about love, I think I was already half in love with Aquarius II, and in denial about it. Since then I have experienced all the symptoms that I once thought came about only in romantic novels and women’s fiction. Yes, I did have butterflies in the stomach and stars in my eyes whenever I met him. I felt euphoric and fully content just looking into his eyes. I became bereft whenever he left for a longer trip or mission, and I lost all of my excess weight because of heartache over him.
I wish I could say that my intention of not seeing him has alleviated some of these ailment, but no, it did not. At least on two occasions, I felt my heart drop into my stomach and start racing when I thought I saw him during the first few weeks of avoiding him. Even now, I am not sure what my reaction will be if we ever meet by chance. Yesterday I was very sad after his impersonal text, and today I saw him from afar, walking past the window of my office. He was his usual tall thin self, texting as he walked down the path. I have no idea why he thought he needed to be on a diet. I watched him, taking in his usual pastel-colored shirt, his tailored pants and brown expensive shoes. He was too far away and I could not discern the expression on his face, but seeing him from a distance made me happy. He was there, we were within each others line of sight for a few seconds, and then he disappeared around the corner.
How foolish can you be when an impersonal text from your love makes you sad, and seeing him from afar makes you happy? And I did not even mention watching out for his “online” appearance on messenger apps, letting your fingers glide lightly to caress his screen name, or profile picture. Crazy I know. But I do it like a bleeding teenager.
I am still trying to get over him, but there is no treatment regime for the foolishness of love. There is no rehab for its addiction. There is no therapy to replace the sweetness of its drug, and there are no medicines to alleviate its pain.
I still miss him, and it is now day 36 since we last met.
The Loskop Diaries 