Celebrating Freedom

Apart from marking my son’s 20th month today has other implications for me, and for South Africa.  Today would have been my 10th marriage anniversary and it is also Freedom Day here in South Africa.  It marks the first democratic elections in South Africa in 1994.

Last year at this time I was still living with Jackie and although I was not officially divorced yet, she said to me cynically that from now on I can celebrate freedom on Freedom Day. Only my brain got the joke at that time because my heart was still sore, but today I can say that I am celebrating my freedom.

It took longer than I expected for the feelings to completely die, even as late as January this year the emotions still competed inside me, I wanted at turns to hurt, to impress, to punish and to hurt my ex husband. Now I really do not care anymore and the absence of feeling is such a relief.  In the past weeks he came over a few times and visited with Robert here.  And although this prompted me to put some order in our space,  I felt no obligations whatsoever towards my ex, he was visiting with Robert, not with me, so I mostly ignored his presence.

I am glad that I can live for myself and my son. I have arrived to a space where I am self-sufficient and content. I am proud of what I achieved. I can glance back at my previous life as a married woman without bitterness or sadness, because when I go to sleep and holding my son I know that I am holding everything that ever mattered to me.

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