Category: Relationships

Looking Back on 2007

~ marobbie ~ Leave a comment

I wanted to dedicate a post to 2007, as the year draws to a close. This has been a remarkable and special year for all of us. Not a day has passed since Robert’s birth when I did not stop to marvel at the miracle of his new life. I am endlessly grateful for the blessing of a healthy and happy baby.

There are of course the restraints, of less time for us, and less freedom. The increased burden of work and planning and the limitation of our activities, but all of these things do not change the fact that we are both very happy to have Robert.

My mirror image looks tired and sleep-deprived most of the time, but the shadows under my eyes and the small wrinkles on my face are marks of a mature woman, a woman who has discovered the deepest kind of love. The happiness shining from within me cannot be disguised by mere fatigue.

As I reflect on the year that passed I remember the nine months of pregnancy. It was an energetic, blissful and healthy pregnancy. I did not experience any of the common ailments; no morning sickness or nausea not even sensitivity to smells. I was as healthy as I ever was, more energetic, and my complexion did not suffer the slightest of blemishes. I was also lucky when my weight increased gradually and did not balloon out of control, this may be the reason why I did not have any stretch marks.

Fortunately our diet and lifestyle are normally healthy, so I did not have to go through a major change there; I have been a long-time fan of cereal or oats for breakfast, and drink milk regularly with dinner. I always had a healthy appetite, it became more pronounced as the baby grew. I admit to indulging my cravings for sweets and chocolates some times, but I also paid attention to the correct diet: I had two daily servings of milk, at least two pieces of fruit, lots of vegetables, and tried to eat fish at least twice a week.

On the whole I enjoyed the experience of being pregnant, and when my belly became big I sported it proudly while lugging myself (and baby) up and down the hill, and hopping on and off taxis. Yes, occasionally it was scary thinking how vulnerable I was against muggers, or traffic accidents, but I was cautious and hoped and prayed for the best. Initially there was the added worry about how healthy the pregnancy was, the risks related to my age, and other genetic factors, but these fears were set aside with every progressive test and screening. I loved going to see the little one on the ultrasound, and the new ‘photo’ will be pinned on the fridge each time. When baby started to have features we would discuss how big his/her nose was, and whom of us s/he resembled. For me personally the first ultrasound was the most touching and dramatic. It was my first appointment to the doctor, and I just had a positive result from a home pregnancy test. The baby was only 10 weeks, but I could already see him or her happily floating there, and moving tiny arms and legs. It was incredibly touching for me.

My doctor has been perhaps, exactly the type that I needed. He has seen it all, and never gave me a reason to worry or exaggerated any type of problem. He just took everything at his stride. From the outset he located what turned out to be the only problem I experienced with the pregnancy. I had a fibroid, located quite low in my uterus. On that first visit he warned me to prepare myself for the possibility of a c-section. However, he kept me upbeat and did not discourage my hopes for a natural birth until the last few weeks. At 38 weeks the baby was still in breech and there was not enough space for him to turn. The doctor considered it too risky to try and force the baby into the head down position, and I think he made the correct call by scheduling me for a c-section.

The pregnancy was also a time when I was most productive professionally. I continued to work until the last minute, both at my office job and my freelance translation projects. Ron supported me throughout all of this a 100%. My pregnancy helped me move from full time to part time work at the office, and it was a good reason to get out of working the extreme early shifts and night shifts. It was nice to get special treatment for a while.

Ron helped me keep active for the whole nine months. He initiated the regime of the daily walk and we followed it diligently every morning, shortly after daybreak, and up until the 27th of August, the day we welcomed Robert.

In 2007 Ron and I had our last vacation as a couple, and for this special occasion we travelled as far as the Caribbean Island of Dominica. It was a very special trip, and it reminded us of what was really important in life, the simple uncomplicated pleasures of living, and the futility of running after material things. On our way back from the Caribbean we stopped in Berlin, and had a great visit with my family there. We were fussed over and I was treated like a little kid again, pregnant belly notwithstanding. I was about to become a parent myself, but I only appreciated this lifelong commitment when Robert arrived. It is much easier when you are the child, you can then afford to grumble at what you perceive as the unwanted ministration of the parent. I am just starting now to see the picture from the other side of the fence.

Our trip to Europe was touch and go until the last second, because up until the beginning of May I only had a temporary South African passport. I only received my permanent passport the week before we were scheduled to leave. I was finally a proper South African citizen after eight years of living in this country. This monumental event happened also just at the correct time, because baby is immediately eligible for SA citizenship.

For me 2007 was a tremendous year, it brought fulfillment to many of my dreams. I look back at it with fondness, and gaze towards the future with more hope. As Ron said, 2008 will also be Gr8.

Money Matters

~ marobbie ~ Leave a comment
My finances haven’t improved since I agreed to resume my marriage. It really frustrates me. When I was in the single/separated phase, it seemed that I could do no wrong; I bought what I liked in cash and got to enjoy the windfall and the fruits of my labour. Now it seems that I buy things that I do not think are strictly necessary, and do not get to enjoy any treats. In addition to all that, it looks like I have hit a real dry phase in my freelance work, so the money coming in is barely covering my expenditures.I have always been bad at this concept of “our money” in a married relationship. My husband always claims that our joint property and our bank accounts whether joint or separate are OURS. I put this to the test once at the point when I wanted to get divorced and things suddenly got sour. What was ours got suddenly reduced to our relative incomes and what each of us brought into the marriage, and of course I ended up with the short end of the stick. Yes, I could have fought him out in court and chances are that I could have ended up with far more than the meagre settlement he offered, but I chickened out. I found that I do not have the stomach for a long battle in court which will probably make me hate him in the end – although he does deserve it sometimes.

Well, I still have feelings for the man, and I do not want to walk the same road again, but I am angry at the fact that my contributions into the marriage – in terms of money spent far outweigh his at the moment.

Yes, I am the only one with a full-time job at the moment but he has at least 100K Dollars sitting in the bank and earning interest in several investments to my meagre 7k waiting to be spent on rent and telephone bills and electricity. I can’t catch up even to a point where I can have a small amount put aside into a Money Market account.I do not have a good feeling about this. People do not change, and my marriage still has a good chance of turning sour again and ending up in divorce, what then?

It is important for me to have this cushion of security – mine – for all eventualities, and in order to achieve it I am back again, to skimping on my pleasures to have some more security, because I can’t trust him to look after me when things go sour. I will be left out again in the cold, and I am still the same person who does not have the stomach to fight for what is rightfully hers. On the other hand he still might be the same stingy person. Why, he only indulges now in some pleasures because I happen to pay for them.

 

 

Summer of Discontent

~ marobbie ~ Leave a comment

I keep thinking of a small place, where I can live alone with my cat. I do not know why this is so when I am married and supposedly working on the rehabilitation of my ailing relationship.
But it is still not working for me. I keep feeling that I am living outside my normal pace, outside my comfort zone, I really do not know why.

My cat seems to have settled in fine, he is starting to explore his territory and expand it, slowly and with mixed results. Occasionally he gets frightened off by another cat or an unfamiliar sound, but he seems to be adapting. On the surface I am doing the same thing.
Yes, I suppose I am as guilty as my husband, because I do not give voice to my nagging worries, when ignoring them will not make them better, they will just fester and grow into something really malignant.
I see that the physical side of our marriage is waning again, and I fear that it will digress again into total celibacy. I keep wondering, why? In the past my husband used to initiate sex, now it is always me that has to, and my libido is very temperamental and relies so much on my emotional well-being and state of mind. I never had a truly fulfilling emotional life, and it has probably scarred me somewhat. I am sure that my husband has the same problem somewhere, on an emotional level too, because there is no disputing his performance power, he can f*** a woman brainless if he wanted to.

I might be the least demanding woman on a material level, but I could be extremely demanding emotionally, especially for a man who is bound to put practicality before sensuality, and I see this becoming a chronic problem.

Another aspect of my problem with the man, is that I am still a novice in many areas of my life experience, whereas he went through the gamut of experience throughout his youth, relationships and first marriage.
At times I find myself bitterly cheated of camping trips, dirty weekends, motorcar sex, hangovers, and even morning sickness. It is not my fault that I grew up in a sheltered and isolated environment, but since I am no longer there, isn’t it just nice if I could experience some of those “first times” that every other young person goes through.
How can I grow up when I did not have the chance to be young and reckless ? I am in a middle aged relationship, and there are not honeymoon photos to look back and smile at. It has always been like this, cool-headed and boring.
The funny thing is that I might project this image to the outside world, cool-headed and boring, nobody knows that underneath these calm waters are some turbulent currents of rebellion.

Marriage : A Balancing Act

~ marobbie ~ Leave a comment

My friend Kirsten is a social worker and has spent her whole life dealing with broken and fractured souls, she claims that people can mend, if they want to that is. Once you recongise that you need healing, you can work your way up to reclaiming you life and starting it over.

Life however is subjective, and right or wrong depends solely on the way or direction you look at things. Viewed through the lense of a camera, the same object will look different depending on how you shed light on it, and so differs one’s interpretation of events and people depending on previous experiences and knowledge.

A sceptic by nature, I do question all the time. It took me seven years to realise that the initial failure of my marriage was not my fault. I was trapped into believing that I was not good enough or not working hard enough. It did not occur to me at the time, that outside my limping relationship I am a fully functional human being, who is capable of having friends, taking responsibility and working for a goal.
In the space of seven years I carved myself an existence that is separate from my spouse, I became a person in my own right, I started to see that I was getting lost, being swallowed in the demands of a relationship and one man’s ego.
Having been through all that, I am very reluctant to go through this over again.
I have struggled with the choice between restarting the old relationship on new grounds, or severing it to look for happiness somewhere else. I have swung between the two extremes a few times.
In the end I realised that severing my marriage might be the more practical choice, is a finality that I could not live with. It would simply mean that I have given up, and chose to turn my back on the element of goodness present in my husband.
So I chose to continue on in the balancing act called marriage, it is much more difficult since the success depends equally on both people. Sometimes it is much easier to dance solo.
Still, there are moments when the effort is worth it. It is nice to have someone you care for to come home to, and to be the recipient of simple yet subtle expressions of love and caring.
All around me I see couples working on this balancing act, and whoever is solo are constantly looking for someone to complete them, so maybe there is general consensus that living as a couple is better than facing the world solo.

New Start ?

~ marobbie ~ Leave a comment

I am writing this while the wind is blowing on the Atlantic Seaboard, fireworks are cracking in the darkness and lighting up the sky with frequent colour bursts.
Our new flat is really nice, it has a view over the water all the way to the other side of Cape Town, along the Atlantic coast to Table View. It is great to watch the ships sail by from my side of the window while I work on the computer, or look up Signal Hill as I wash dishes. The only negative thing about the flat, and it is quite an important one is that it lies on the juncture of two of the busiest roads in Cape Town, the traffic simply never stops.

The afternoon was nice and sunny today, and I spent some time with two nice women, an old friend and probably a new one, the company garden was full of people of every colour and creed.
I had lots on my mind so I did not really watch the people. The animal life though attracted my attention: doves and pigeons, squirrels, and mice. We saw one really big rat, larger than a squirrel, it competed with the furry guys over crackers and nuts, and most likely it was the winner.
There is also a large Koi pond teeming with little fish, the parents quite big, one of my friends commented that they would make great Sushi.
We had scones and tea, not quite a posh affair at the public gardens, but still a treat. And as we were leaving there was a wedding procession visiting the garden for photos.

The afternoon was unfortunately too short, and tomorrow is another day at work.

For starters

~ marobbie ~ Leave a comment

The initial panic is over for me and for my black cat. We are sitting in the big new flat, surrounded by things, most of which have stories we know nothing about.
For my part, I will try to make peace with the past, where it came from does not concern me, as long as it does not suck me in its undertow, it is fine.

I am who I am, and being without baggage and without possessions is my choice, I adopted my partner’s possessions and I will enjoy them for what they are. Possessions will never claim me, but I can still appreciate them.
The cat is quite a different story, the cat has to learn its territory, and accept its limitations.

My husband also has to accept me and the cat. Contrary to what he believes, he is not the only one making compromises. I know that I would personally prefer a much simpler, barer existence.
If this is our new start, I would rather start on a fresh canvas, put in my own shades and colours.
The apartment I lived in before we came back together, might have looked to him like a dump. To me however it was a work in progress, an unfinished canvas. My time, and the emotional roller coaster I was riding on prevented me from completing it to my liking, but I was going to get there one way or another.
The canvas that I would have drawn would have included soft fabrics, knitted throws and crocheted cushions – things like that speak to me more than a leather sofa, rosewood furniture and fine china lamps; I have no use for those. I prefer scented candles and incense sticks.

I spoke to two of my friends today, they saw that my husband and I have two sets of conflicting values. The question is whether we can compromise between them or not.

Petey the cat has walked outside to the kitchen balcony today, sniffed around and stretched tippy toeing on his hind legs to peek over the balcony wall. He was quite funny, stretched tall there and supporting himself against the wall with one paw. I wish I had my phone camera handy.
Eventually, I will take him down to the garden and he will be happy. Ron still protests tells me it would make life more difficult – compromise ? where is his compromise?

Remains to be seen.

Round and Round

~ marobbie ~ Leave a comment

I don’t think that I can ever write in this blog with my real name. People might think I am a lunatic or something. This project started with the intention of mapping my life near the Cape of Good hope, it turned out into a study in hopelessness. It has been almost a year since I wrote here, and ironically it is again the season of heartbreak in Cape Town ! I feel edgy and unhappy, and confused.
Since my doomed crush on Aquarius went nowhere, I got cold feet regarding my breakup with Husband. I pulled the plug on the divorce, and coughed up the lawyer bill.
In the divine wisdom of pop culture : “Love The One You’re With” (If you can’t be with the one you love).
So this was great, I swallowed a big wallop of my pride, and begged Husband to get back. He left for a few months home to Canada, then came back, called the moving van and shipped loads of stuff to Cape Town. The furniture has been in storage ever since, awaiting the time when it can be set up in a place we can call a home.
The past few months I was happy – I think – living on makeshift and 2nd hand furniture, and having very few possessions. We spent lots of time together or in the outdoors.
At the end of October we moved from the old flat, gave away the old rickety ‘furniture’ or whatever you might want to call it.

Yesterday it was the day, the day we were supposed to get our nice things, and put it in our home. Yes, the furniture arrived yesterday, and along with it came the foreboding. I do not know what is up with me. All of a sudden I see the expensive things, the box of old love letters, the diving equipment and the sport bags — his things, and again there is nothing of me here, just a few crates of books, and suitcase full of coloured threads that I wanted to knit one day into and afghan, and a black emotionally disturbed cat.
Years back, we bought some things together : A bed, a leather sofa ( his dream was always to have one) and a desk for me, but Husband has had almost everything else longer that I have been with him. He calls these nice pieces a legacy, and now they are incompatible with one of the few things that I do care about … Petey my cat.
The cat is sleeping in the closet now, he is disoriented and sad to lose his home, and I do not know why I relate to him so much. I will have to figure this one out.

Open Letter to Mr. Aquarius

~ marobbie ~ Leave a comment
I don’t know why I am writing this. I feel drained and tired. My alarm clock startled me at 5:30 today interrupting yet another dream about you. I tried to banish the thoughts, turned on the radio, but there was Freshly Ground signing – What Would You Do. I just gave up and left the thoughts to ferment in my head. No use fighting what I can’t change. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself with this. I heard your message loud and clear, and I am not sure now whether I can still classify you as a friend. Maybe it is just as well this way. I do not trust irrational feelings either.When you came along in my life, I suddenly realized that the space beside me and inside my heart does not have my husband’s name on it anymore. So instead of living with an imbalance, I chose to clean-sweep my life. Start over, build something new from scratch. In the process I might have saved myself. I still have a few unrealized dreams, that I can work towards on my own.However, when you came into my life, you also exposed an elemental longing. An Astrologist would say that I am looking for my second half – my cosmic twin.
Trying to rationalize the irrational, I say to myself that I am more attached to the ideal than the person. You just had the questionable honour of being here at the wrong time.
For your character I painted: Quiet intelligence, latent but healthy sense of humor, sensitivity and probably most of all gentleness. Who knows maybe all that is in my imagination.
I never had a chance to know your vices, maybe they would have scared me away.

I suddenly remember now, that I know a person back home with exactly the same qualities I credit you for. He liked me very much, but I though he was boring.
I knew him as a child, knew his problems, his less than perfect family background, his insecurities, and his fears – there was no mystery there.
In the end another woman discovered him and he is living happily ever after. Happier than he would have ever been with me.

Moral of the story ? Maybe if I knew you better this irrationality will go away. Unfortunately I can’t speculate on this because it is not up to me.

In the meantime, I will try to stay away from the radio.

Cruelty – Bitter Medicine Against Bad Karma

~ marobbie ~ 1 Comment

A friend of mine broke up yesterday with her new boyfriend. It wasn’t something that was going on for very long, but the man took it really hard.
Monnie herself is unfazed, she was starting to feel suffocated by the possessiveness of an older guy. I rest my case, it was the story of my life.

Today is the birthday of who will hopefully become soon my ex-husband. I am surprised that I feel nothing. Really, am I numbing my feelings of pain and sorrow over him ? I like to think that I am a kind person by nature, but this time it was my life or his. I chose mine. There was simply no competition. And like once I had my reasons to carry him into my heart, today I have my reasons to shut him completely out of it, and dish out cruelty – there are no maybes in this game : You either want to be with someone, or you don’t.

Somewhere along the road, the vision of us growing old together blurred, and then completely disappeared. Even when we had that short interlude together two months ago, I had problems picturing us together for ever and ever after.

Today I started picking up the pieces of my new life. First was a stop at the traffic department in Green Point.
During our earlier correspondence Ron wrote to me how bad it was and how many trips it took him to get it resolved. His negative attitude made me procrastinate this mission until today.
So I went, carrying my ugly-looking black-and-white pictures with me.
The eyetest was a breeze and so the fingerprints, I thanked the guys for their efficiency. They gave me a pitying smile which I didn’t understand until I faced the 20 metre queue in front of counter No. 8.
I took a deep breath and thought, well I might as well stay. In front of me was a large number of people, which did not seem to be moving at all. The people giving up on what seemed to be an endless wait, lightened it somewhat. Actually, the rate of people leaving the queue to the exit, was much higher than those proceeding to the counter.
Sometime after half an hour or so I started chatting with Mr. Negativity in front of me in the queue – He was going on how he will never pay a fine again, and never apply for another driver’s license. I was just laughing and making jokes with the others in the queue. I yelled Yay, everytime sombody made it to the counter.
It was amazing but this helped a lot. Soon enough there were three windows processing the long queue. I had arrived sometime around 10: 00 and I told Mr. Negativity that we will make it just before twelve, and we did. Maybe it was my imagination, but the moment Mr. Negativity left the queue things started moving faster again.
I could not help but breath I sigh of relief, I was married to a version of Mr. Negativity. It is so draining to be around this sort of person.

At the counter, an efficient woman hammered on the keyboard and gave me presently the bad news that I was expecting from Ron’s report. I was registered at the traffic department with a temporary ID which is the traffic registration certificate. And now since I had a South African ID document, I needed to get the two merged at the civic centre in town.
I took a deep gulp of air, and asked the lady nicely whether there was a queue there as well. Of course she could not give me this information, but gave me directions where to go, and stamped a paper for me so that I can come back straight to her counter and not via the queue. I was so grateful to her I could have hugged her.
I was getting tired, but still I managed to trek up the road to the civic centre probably three kilometres or so. The lady at information asked me about the traffic registration document, which I did not have – and had very little chance of getting anytime soon since it resided with Ron’s papers in East London. Nevertheless, I chose to proceed to the counter and state my case.
After a 10-minute wait I was at the counter. The woman asked about the document but I told her plainly that I was divorced and had very little chance of getting it.
She just sighed and gave me that look. Africans often give it, you don’t know what it means actually.
In the end she did it. Merged my details, changed my address and smiled. I was faint with relief.

I was again at traffic department within 30 minutes, and within five minutes had my temporary driver’s license in my pocket. Life is good, the angels ARE on my side.
Next was a stop at the bank and the shop. I was home at two, a good day’s work.
I accomplished, with patience, honesty and a smile – in half a day, what Ron failed to do over a week of struggling and complaining and fighting with people.
My luck is changing ? You bet. Ron was bad Karma, and I had to cure it with the bitter medicine of cruelty.

All is God’s will.

Second Time Around ?

~ marobbie ~ Leave a comment

Reality bites. It bit me this time with its poison fangs. I am alone.
For right or wrong reasons I did what I did and I can go to sleep with a clean conscience.

Yesterday was easy, I was lashing out for my freedom. For my right to be happy, to be loved on the premise of trust, not on the premise of resignation to my fate.
I wanted to meet my destiny and feel the sun on my face.
Today is different. The future lies in front of me, barren and empty. And the thought that perhaps an imperfect love is better than no love all squeezes at my heart with icy hands.
There is also the Fear, at the pit of my stomach, that I have blown my final chance at modest happiness, for an illusion of a perfect one.

I have jumped the water for a second time. This time there is no turning back, I know it for sure this time.