In a relationship like mine it is easy to feel isolated and left out. Apart from our coffee my pseudo-lover is almost never there when I need him, and it does hurt.
At the very start of our coffee dates, Aquarius texted me once suggesting lunch at our usual spot. Since it was a cold and wintry day, he thought that we might change the outdoor venue. He asked where I would like him to take me, and I answered “Out in the cold is fine. I am used to it”. I added a wink emoji for good measure, because even that early in our acquaintance, less than two months after our first meeting, I felt that I will be figuratively left out in the cold in this relationship. He missed the double meaning of course. I was also wrong, I was not used to it, and I don’t think I will ever be.
When he is out there working, playing, socializing, or keeping a low profile on social media to ensure his free time is not hijacked by intrusions of officialdom, I am the first one to be left out in the cold. I know this and I expect this, and I normally never impose on those times when I know he is busy, at play or with family.
There are times, however, when I desperately need a kind word. When I need to share some fear, concern, pain or triumph, and I cannot even reach out to the person I care about most. Last weekend was such a time when my son was down with a frightful upper respiratory tract infection that left him feverish, nauseous, and in a lot of pain. We were both sleepless for two nights. I spent most of my time administering medicine and water, cleaning up after messes, and encouraging a child who kept proclaiming “the worst sickness ever” and “how can something so small bring a human to his knees?” – his exact words. By day two of this, my courage was failing, and I feared the antibiotic was not working. When one evening Aquarius sent a message telling me of his latest feat, I responded with my normal positive tone, and told him in passing about my vigil next to my child’s sickbed, I was desperate for someone to care. He never responded or even saw the message and I felt so alone. I did not expect a callback, just a quick note in reply. This came two days later, stale like everything else in my life, when he finally had the time.
I spent one of the worst weekends in my life and if it weren’t for my parents who asked regularly about my son I would have felt desperately isolated. I know this is what it is like to be the other woman. But I am not truly the other woman, I am just a coffee date. And sometimes I question what am I really getting out of this relationship except a little coffee and a lot of heartbreak.