This afternoon, one day before our imminent divorce a fierce argument erupted between me and Mr. Negativity, the direct reason -as usual- was money. I was trying to work as usual on my dreaded Sunday shift when I got a phone call from my house mate. She spotted him and his girlfriend outside our erstwhile flat. The woman she said, is blond, beautiful and dressed to kill. So much different from frugal little me in my department store clothing. She was pushing the pram and then he caught up with her and they both started fussing over the little one as if they were his parents. I was shocked, hurt and so very angry. The nerve of the guy to be moving on so quickly. I knew deep down that I should not allow myself to be sucked into this type of resentful feeling. I was just feeling sorry for myself and my situation, but still I am only human and I can only react as one.
Later when he picked me up I tried to mention the incident as casually as possible, but the talk quickly turned sour. He said that his friend was helping him choose a new car seat for baby, since he has almost outgrown the little piccolo. The car seat is meant to be his way of reimbursing me for medical costs he incurred on my medical aid plan. Now if you bear in mind that I neither possess a car nor am I likely to afford one any time soon, you will see that his generous gesture is just a circuitous way to make me pay for something that he and only he uses.
When all this divorce talk started, I wasn’t quite as resentful and hurt as I am today. I think I under-estimated the type of pressure that I will be suffering under. Still, I was raised to focus on human values, not material ones. I agreed to every proposal Mr. Negativity made for me and baby and I shrugged off many unfair calculations that he came up with. At one moment of unreasonable magnanimity I might have said that I will not demand any child support. But child support is a legal requirement for granting divorce and the law demands putting an amount down. He set it pathetically low, and I agreed. Today I believe that this little contribution, however little, is not mine to give up, but when I voiced this opinion, Mr. Negativity went ballistic and thought I was threatening him.
I am sorry if I am sometimes too honest and too generous for my own good. I am sorry if I shoot from the hip and say exactly what I feel, without trying to pretend or cater for some hidden agenda. But I do not feel that I owe the man any consideration to his feelings. His financial situation is not what he says it is, and I am not going to stand by and watch him deprive my son from a few pennies, so that he can spend them on one of his outings. No, it is little enough as it is and he has to have enough self respect to keep it aside for his son. His response ?
Well I can forget about babysitting… Doesn’t he even care that these “babysitting” sessions are actually his visiting times with his son? No he said, and then bent over the child to say: Sorry baby, this is the type of mother you have (???). To me he said: “You are on your own”, then he snatched the new car seat from me, and drove away. I think he was shamed by his “friend” into buying an expensive one anyway. He will return it for sure.
I have no regular morning babysitter during on weekdays, and I had asked him weeks ago to sit with baby while I go get myself divorced. Now I faced the prospect of carrying my baby into divorce court tomorrow. When I sent him a text message later he said he will reconsider for Robert’s benefit. Now I do not know what to expect from Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge anymore. Will he still look after Robert during in mid June when my nanny is away ? Will he still take him to visit every other Sunday? I have no idea. But I am willing to take a bet that he will want something in return. It is always about his convenience.
The Loskop Diaries 