“And think not you can direct the course of love…”

When I was young, it was easier for me to fall in and out of love. I also found it easier to recover. Even when the first man in my life decided to get married to his fiancee and I carried the guilt of our relationship with me out of my home country, I was sure that I will love again. I cried endlessly, and I disintegrated into a thousand pieces every time he called, but all this never obliterated the certainty that somewhere there will be love for me again.  I was only 27 and my whole life was ahead of me, with endless possibilities. It also helped that I had a future career to look forward to, and no burdens. My only responsibility was to guard my future and mend my heart.

I am finding it much more difficult to recover from the love I found unexpectedly, later in my life. Now instead of looking forward I can only look back to realize with dismay that all the things I felt before were small tremors of the heart. They do not compare to this major earthquake. I had long given up on the notion of romantic love, content instead with the love for humanity in general, the love of my child, my family and my friends, until I was struck with this lightning bolt. I was a love agnostic, an atheist even, and then god chose to speak to me. I still try to reason that this was only an illusion, something that my wishful thinking has conjured up, but my heart knows it was real.

As its newly converted disciple, love opened me up to joy and pain, in ways I never imagined. It was as if I lost a layer of skin, and started to feel everything more keenly.  Pleasure, pain and loss magnified to a point they became unbearable. I now see beauty more clearly, and feel deeper empathy.  When I cry now, I cry not only for myself but for everyone who has ever loved and lost. I even touch the pain of the boy who once read me a poem he wrote to my beautiful eyes, about how much he loved me, and whom I rejected and laughed off as silly. I now know how he felt all those years ago.

Sometimes I miss my ignorance, and my dismissal of love as a passing ailment, no more destructive than a hailstorm in the middle of spring. I was content in rejecting it as overrated and unnecessary, before I figured out that I have been passed a sugar pill instead of the genuine drug. Now, instead of my cynical dismissal, I am left with despair of ever finding it again.

Now I think that love is exceptionally rare. You have to quit looking for it to find it. It has to find you, and when it does all you can do is just surrender to it. Whether you get over it or not is a matter of destiny.

Khalil Gibran — ‘And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.’

 

 

Going with the Flow

It has been only four months since I met you and I still cannot explain how you have become so important to me. How my world has shrunk around getting drunk on your eyes and getting high on coffee and our conversations. You would meet me whether rain or shine and we would lose the minutes playing out intimate encounters in our mind after we roughly outline them with words. There is never too much detail, we just imagine the place, and the time, the rest plays out in our heads and I leave you drunk on the imagined pleasure and burning with longing for what is impossible to attain.

I told you once to have a heart that I have spent more than five years in celibacy. In truth though my 66 months of abstinence were never a hardship until now. I never even counted them or felt their weight until this slow-burn of pining for you.

I now live on two competing hopes. My rational mind wishes for this to fizzle and die, that I will move on to something more plausible or go back to my carefree and man-free existence. While my heart and my soul entertain the notion that perhaps this is the real thing, and it will last and deepen. Then, perhaps, in a year, two years, three years, someday I will be able to borrow you once from your life. That for once I will be able to feel, what it is like to love and be loved in return, no past, no future, just the one moment that I will commit to memory instead of living it in imagination. I have a feeling that this hope will sustain me for a long time.

I have never felt anything so deeply, and although I keep second-guessing my mental health and sanity at least twice a day. My heart and my intuition tell me that I will belong to you for a long time, even if I will never own you myself.

And even through this roller-coaster of emotions that are unsettling my mind, body and soul. There is an element of peace to letting destiny unfold the way it will. I tried to fight my strong feelings for you before, I tried to cut you off and break off contact with you, and it nearly killed me. I will not fight my emotions anymore. At the same time I will not try to initiate a situation where we take this relationship to a level we will both feel guilty about, ultimately regret, and then be forced to end.  So we defer even our first kiss to 2019. One or both of us telling ourselves that maybe then the universe will tilt the other way, and we will turn into innocent and crazy friends, simple coffee buddies, once we have tamed the fire of our mutual attraction.  Maybe if one, or both of us believe this it will turn into our new truth.

In the end things will happen the way the are supposed to.  There is no fear in my heart nor worry. I just take the moment and hope you stay in my life, on any terms.