My Foolish Heart

For a woman who prizes her rationality and cool head I sure mess up big time when it comes to matters of the heart. I still stand by everything that I said before, but sometimes life tests you by throwing a badly curved ball.

I go through this foolishness once every few years, but this time my failure is more spectacular than anytime before. The man in question, thin, bald, older, and married, is breathtakingly different from me. He has more traits in common with my horrible Ex than I can count. If he had been better-looking or younger, I think I would have put up my defenses more quickly, but with a passing resemblance to my father, a shiny bald head and a funny self-deprecating style, contrasted sometimes with terrible arrogance, he stayed under the radar until it was too late.

It all started one day as I was quietly reading my book alone while having coffee. He came out with his lunch and asked to share my space (it happens often enough in my chosen lunch/coffee spot because of scarce table space). Instead of eating his lunch and minding his own business, this guy was nosy, asking questions and making conversation. So after a couple of fruitless attempts at getting back to my reading, I closed my book and we talked. He took my number and texted me right after. Next time we met again by chance and he came and talked to me. I think I was curious about him, he has an interesting line of work that brings him into troubled areas of the world including my home country.

Later he would text me and we would meet for lunch. Over the past few month we had many funny conversations with some flirty undertones, it was all fun and games. Until I discovered that I probably care about him more than I should. He also hinted that he “liked me too”.

I am fully aware of my foolishness. Yet, when I see him it is like somebody turned on the sunshine, and when he is not around, I sink into an abyss of despair and loneliness that I have not known in years. I cannot explain this in any rational way. For one, I have no illusions about the differences in our personalities and how this alone has already sentenced this connection to utter doom. I am not attracted to him physically, at least I do not think so, he is not attractive in that way. It is just an emotional mind-fuck whenever I am with him. If he holds my hand, I feel the urge to take him in my arms and breathe him in. I am sure I never felt this way before. I have never even kissed him except on the cheek but there have been two memorable incidents of closeness while I was in hospital recovering from a minor operation. I can perhaps put this effect down to drugs, because he was around me when I came out of full anesthesia.

He has been on vacation for a few weeks now and I am driven crazy by missing him, just wanting a text from him. I have blocked his number on Whatsapp and blocked him on messenger because I kept checking his log-ins. I am not proud of this behaviour but these few weeks have been real long. I don’t want to miss him, I want to forget about him. However, it is way too painful. I find myself feeling like crying in the middle of the day for no reason. Sad music makes me cry, thinking about him makes me cry.  At my age, this is really embarrassing.  I am not a social butterfly and will never be one, but I am very busy. I go jogging almost everyday, I work long hours, I have family responsibilities, and many interests. Yet when I finally put myself to bed exhausted at night, I fall into fitful sleep and wake up at odd hours to the pain in my foolish heart. It takes me ages to go back to sleep again, and the lack of sleep does not help my overall health. The only positive outcome of this is that I am now losing appetite and weight (maybe I am actually sick and not heart-sick).

I am not even sure how I will behave when he comes back. Will I have the strength to carry on our light-hearted banter, or will I choose to run away and avoid him until I stop missing him? I really have no answers. I know this will not go anywhere, I do not want this man on any level in my life. He already turned the once happy space I had into a feeling of sad emptiness. I want my independent, single and carefree life back. But I cannot help the way I feel. I can only control what I do about it. I will do nothing, for now, and see what happens.

Open Letter to Mr. Aquarius

I don’t know why I am writing this. I feel drained and tired. My alarm clock startled me at 5:30 today interrupting yet another dream about you. I tried to banish the thoughts, turned on the radio, but there was Freshly Ground signing – What Would You Do. I just gave up and left the thoughts to ferment in my head. No use fighting what I can’t change. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself with this. I heard your message loud and clear, and I am not sure now whether I can still classify you as a friend. Maybe it is just as well this way. I do not trust irrational feelings either.When you came along in my life, I suddenly realized that the space beside me and inside my heart does not have my husband’s name on it anymore. So instead of living with an imbalance, I chose to clean-sweep my life. Start over, build something new from scratch. In the process I might have saved myself. I still have a few unrealized dreams, that I can work towards on my own.However, when you came into my life, you also exposed an elemental longing. An Astrologist would say that I am looking for my second half – my cosmic twin.
Trying to rationalize the irrational, I say to myself that I am more attached to the ideal than the person. You just had the questionable honour of being here at the wrong time.
For your character I painted: Quiet intelligence, latent but healthy sense of humor, sensitivity and probably most of all gentleness. Who knows maybe all that is in my imagination.
I never had a chance to know your vices, maybe they would have scared me away.

I suddenly remember now, that I know a person back home with exactly the same qualities I credit you for. He liked me very much, but I though he was boring.
I knew him as a child, knew his problems, his less than perfect family background, his insecurities, and his fears – there was no mystery there.
In the end another woman discovered him and he is living happily ever after. Happier than he would have ever been with me.

Moral of the story ? Maybe if I knew you better this irrationality will go away. Unfortunately I can’t speculate on this because it is not up to me.

In the meantime, I will try to stay away from the radio.