Crazy Much?

Disclaimer: This entry was written more than 10 years after the fact to provide important historical information for anyone reading the blog chronologically.

When it comes to efforts of writing about myself, it was always a stop and start operation. My temperament swung wildly between writing in my real name and disclosing only what I was comfortable with publicly, to writing anonymously and candidly about my experience. Since this blog later hosted the import of both sides of my writing temperament, there is a difference in style. I always found my candid writing more powerful, so I stuck with it, leaving bits of my persona from my public blog intact, because I can now live with it, after the passage of so much time.

Husband and I got back together in the last quarter of 2006, our differences remained but somehow I chose this time to stick with it. I did my part, working full-time and trying to give him space for what he wanted to do.  Around the end of this year, I missed a period but I thought it was my nerves, and did not want to bring my hopes up. By then I knew that I wanted to be a mother and in fact this was the main reason why I tried to leave him the first time, I wanted a baby while I still had a chance, I was 35 at the time.

When I talked to Husband about the possibility of a pregnancy, he did not comment much. Finally in February I picked up courage and bought a test kit and I was thrilled to see the line confirming that I was. I did the test alone at home and Husband later admonished me for throwing the stick away. I found his reaction strange, but I was so overjoyed I readily projected my own happiness on him. The baby was welcomed and wanted at least by one of its parents. I remember walking to a friend next door to ask her about a good Ob/Gyn in Cape Town and made my first appointment by phone.

The journey of my pregnancy I walked mostly alone. Husband showed up only once on a crucial scan. Earlier in the pregnancy he insisted I take a test to see whether I was a carrier of a serious genetic disorder he carried. Mercifully I was clear, which meant that the baby will at worst case be only a carrier like his father. If I were a carrier also then the baby would have had a 25% chance of having this serious and life-threatening disorder. If that were the case I know that Husband would have wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. I would like to say that I would have gone against him on this one, but I cannot be a 100% sure. It is one thing that I will remember later with shame, and something I would have probably never forgiven him for, had it come to pass.

I had a light and non-troubling pregnancy. Husband and I even went to the Caribbean when I was 6 months pregnant. We discussed moving there, home-schooling the baby, and living off the land. I was skeptical about these plans but went along, I wanted Husband to be as happy as I was. My instinct, however, was against these plans, even while I adopted the wait-and-see attitude. I thought once the baby was here things would change, I felt intuitively that they will dramatically change for me, and I was sure it will be the same for Husband. I forgot about his earlier history as a father. The definition of insanity some say is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So call me crazy.

My social worker friend was shocked when she learned that I was expecting. Back in late 2006 she had heard me out, and endured my nagging doubts over the reconciliation and was exasperated : “You had a problem with your marriage, and so you tried to fix it by having a baby?” She asked incredulously.  It was not that way, of course, but I did not want to explain.

Later I would think that even though I eventually became a mother, some experiences remained unknown to me, I never experienced morning sickness, nor the struggle of a natural birth. I wouldn’t have minded either of course, but you do not get to pick and choose how your life turns out. I am glad to report that ten years after learning that I was pregnant in February of 2007,  and after all the struggles in between, I find that I am very happy with my lot.